It’s winter. I’m up before the sun is. I’m so vitamin D deficient that I find pouring cereal to be a huge effort, let alone walking to the store, reading things that keep my mind from becoming mush, or looking for women online.

Being single in the winter is a cold road. I am sure all of you single men out there in winter countries know exactly what I mean. These long, dark months are the months I’d like most to spend hibernating with a sexy woman in my bedroom, or on my couch. Wrapped in thighs throughout January, February and March – that’s the best way to stay warm.

Instead, here I am alone again at the beginning of January, having just departed ways with an unhappy woman. I work, eat my soup and try to make an effort to go out with friends. But it’s all so depleting. Having long given up on bar dating in favor of online dating, getting out there isn’t as much about searching for women to go home with, but about continuing to be an interesting and active person. Trust me – even through the computer a woman can tell if you haven’t gotten out of your sweatpants all day and have just been sitting on your couch with you hand down your pants.

So I’ve decided I (we) all need to step up our game. I’ve joined a cross-country skiing group. I’ve made a deal to meet at a book store coffee shop with a buddy once a week in order to discuss politics and find hot shit to read. I’m going to make myself cook gourmet (but healthy) meals three times a week. This, in turn, is going to help me attract higher quality women online.

And yes, finally, I am going to step up my game when it comes to finding women online. I’m going to invest more energy in it, and get more in return, because at least by February, I’d like to be wearing that nice pair of thighs I was talking about.

There’s been a story circulating around the web about a man who proposed to his girlfriend on Facebook. The story is actually true. Here’s how it all went down. Proposer dude posted the following on his status:

“Almost 30 years ago, my mom was washing dishes when my dad proposed to her. When breeze and i went to see her to seek her blessing she told me my proposal needed to be better than that. I’m not sure this is, but I hope so…Breeze, will you be my wife?

No, guy, it isn’t better. It’s worse, it’s much, much worse. You don’t even write well, you moron. Are you serious? Is this is a joke? Do you seriously think this is better than asking her while she washes the dishes? At least you two would actually be face-to-face in that scenario. Not that that scenario would be any type of awesome. You obviously come from a long line of idiots who think up idiotic ways to propose.

Do you think your mom is actually proud of you now??????!!!!!!!!!

To all you single men seeking women right now, please know, for the future, that you should never propose via e-mail, Facebook or any other form of electronic communication. Bad.

So, what did the girl say? Did she come to her senses and realize she’d be much better off joining the army of single women out there instead of spending her life with a twat? No, she didn’t. Instead, she replied to his online proposal:

“Facebook? Really! If this means you love me for all the time I would spend on the internet, Then yes.”

….and a new generation of idiocy was born….

I don’t believe in do-overs. A lot of my friends have been talking about do-overs recently, probably because it’s the holiday season and they think drinking eggnog and having a bad online dateis about the best thing they could be doing with their lives right about now. I mean, what? They’re lonely, is what I mean. And so they start thinking about the do-over.

What’s the do-over, you say? Oh yes, well, it’s when you’re like, ‘oh, remember that girl I broke up with three months ago, after being together for a year/six months/8 years, maybe that was a mistake. Maybe I should try again.” Maybe. Maybe you should poke yourself in the eye with a shit stick while you’re at it! That would be equally fun.

What you should do, really, is go back and revisit all the reasons why you broke up with her. She ate all the Oreos in the middle of the night and didn’t even save you one! Not one! And you guys just smoked a huge blunt in bed and she knew you were hungry! She hit on your best friend every time she had more than one tequila shot in her. She told you your balls were ugly and she never, ever, ever wanted to touch them. Indeed, she really regretted she had to be so close to them when blowing you. You were so sick of it all that you were seeking single women onlinewhile at work!

Whatever the issues were, there were issues. And they were serious, serious enough to let her go the first time around. I’m sure you tried to fix everything back when you were together. Break-ups aren’t fun, after all, and if you get back together with her you’re just going to have to go through another one in a few weeks/months time. Don’t do it, man, just don’t do it. The only exception I would make here is if, once upon a time, you were a massive idiot, and you didn’t realize what an amazing woman you had, so you stupidly went in search of greener pastures. If this be the case, do-over all you please.

You’re an aspiring photographer. You’re a PhD student. You’re a freelance writer. You’re broke. It’s not that you lack ambition, or that you don’t work hard, it’s simply that your career path requires several years of broke-ass brokeness. A good woman will appreciate your drive to follow your dreams, and will not mind shelling out for dates on online dating on the cheap. However, as a broke single man looking for a woman, the idea of organizing a budget date can be very intimidating. Here are some ideas for wicked dates that cost nearly nothing.

1. Ooh! Look at the pretty stars!

Choose a location in your town or city, or drive out to the country, where you can bring a blanket, a couple of pillows and a thermos of coffee or hot chocolate and some Bailey’s. (If you’re too broke for the Baileys’, the coffee will do.) The atmosphere here couldn’t be any better. You’re comfortable, you have something pretty to look at – besides her (how cheesy is that line!), you’ve got a tasty beverage and those white-blue dots in the sky are fodder for some interesting conversation, whether you want to do small talk or intellectual talk. For this, she’ll think you are romantic, thoughtful and full of wonder over the world around you.

2. Welcome to the Neighborhood

The neighborhood walk. This only really works if you live in a big city, but it’s a cool one. Does your city have a Chinatown, Little India or Little Italy? If so, head there with your beautiful online date. Just walk and take in the sites and sounds. Stop in various little shops to sample the local specialties – but nothing too expensive. Go get a bubble tea for $2. Then get a sweet bun for $1. Then, if you really want to splurge, buy her something tacky at the dollar store.

3. Walking Tour

Almost every city has a walking tour run by some organization or another. In fact, there are probably several to choose from. Choose one based on her personality and then sign yourselves up. If it’s lame, you guys can form a bond by making fun of the guide and the people. If it’s interesting, total bonus.

There is a lot of extremely sophisticated dating advice out there. No matter what the topic: online personals, internet dating, romance – it can get complicated. Some of the theories can get a little too rocket science-y for me, which is why I believe it is absolutely necessarily we all just chill the fuck out and go back to good old dating advice circa 1984. So, here’s a collection of my favorite classics:

Be Yourself

Don’t roll your eyes. You know you love this gem. And we ALL forget this. We really do. But listen, it doesn’t matter what her interests are. It doesn’t matter how sexy or beautiful or smart she is, if you fake who you are, it’s a lose-lose situation. First of all, it’s unlikely you’ll be able to create any sort of electrifying and convincing personality in this context, and even if you do, what’s your plan? You’ll be miserable after a week of the charade, no matter how star-shifting the sex is. And it really, really is way more likely she will end up liking you for you, instead of Mr. Plastic Perfect Alternate Personality.

Dating=Having Fun

Another disappointing date. There’s no spark. She doesn’t seem that attracted to you. So what!? Stop crying. Have fun anyways. Certainly, the lack of chemistry isn’t ideal, but you’re both here now. She shaved her legs and bought new boots, you spent an hour getting the tousle of your hair just right. Why not put a little energy into having fun too? You can still talk. You can still ride the mechanical bull. You can still dance to the cheesy latin band. Knowing your date isn’t going to end in two kids and a mortgage can actually take a huge amount of pressure off – allowing you to let loose and not get burnt out in the whole process of finding a mate.

Change your Expectations

Yes, change your expectations – don’t drop them. This doesn’t mean you should “lower your standards,” it means you should consider considering people you wouldn’t naturally consider. Maybe you’re really into tall chicks in tight clothes, make-up and high heels. They’re the babes, right? Well, have you ever noticed that short, down-to-earth girl in the corner cubicle at your office? Go ahead, take a look. Pause for a moment (but don’t leer!). Hmmm. She maybe just maybe has quite the understated beauty, and she maybe just maybe has a ridiculously cute body under that chunky cardigan. Point is: broaden your horizons and you’ll broaden your chances of success.