For some, St. Patrick’s Day represents celebrating Irish culture and their traditions, but for most it’s a day to get drunk off green beer and try to nail anyone wearing a ‘kiss me, I’m Irish’ button. But there’s an art to St. Patrick’s Day– The line between finding a girl drunk enough to sleep with you and finding a girl too drunk that you’re going to feel bad for sleeping with is a very thin one. Not to mention your babe radar won’t exactly be in mint condition, considering you’ll probably have your beer goggles on.

If you’re planning on trolling for a bed buddy tomorrow night, we have a few tips on how to find someone drunk enough to sleep with you, but not someone who’s too drunk to sleep with you.

Spot the accessories

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So you’re jealous of the action that celebrities rake in. Get over it. We’re all jealous of it. But it’s not actually the guy who’s getting the action– It’s the career. With the exception of Brad Pitt and George Cloony, women are rarely attracted to the dude, they’re attracted to what they do. Some careers simply come with more allure. Your steady job at the bank might keep your bank account in the green, but it sure isn’t going to keep your dick in the pink.

In order for you sad bastards to feel better about yourself (that’s code for ‘this sad bastard to feel better about himself’), here are 7 guys getting more action than you that definitely wouldn’t be if it wasn’t for their jobs.

7. Iggy Pop
In his prime, it made sense that Iggy Pop would have gotten a little action. He was a fit enough guy, kept his appearance somewhat fashionable for the times, and  he was a little model-esq back then. I understood that. What is harder to understand is why he’s getting laid now. He’s a 70-year-old-looking man who has long greasy hair and hardly wears a shirt. If he wasn’t who he is, he’d be getting pepper sprayed more than he’s getting laid.

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Last month I went on a date with a broad I met online. My first mistake was probably going on a date with a broad I met online, but hindsight is 20/20, and obviously I didn’t know then what I know now. My second mistake was sticking around after she told me she believed in spirit animals, and that she believed her’s was Beyonce. At first I thought she was kidding, but after she went on for half an hour about how she thought mine was a sheep (uh… thanks?), I realized she was being serious.

Now, I’ve heard of women thinking they’re similar to celebrities, but to believe that a celebrity is spiritually guiding you through life clearly means you’re fucking insane.

If you’re dating a chick who thinks her spiritual animal is someone on the Billboard Hot 40, you should probably start running.

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The other day I was driving down the highway when I saw a sign for 7/11 that read “Let us out our hotdog in your bun.” Now, if you’re going to advertise on the side of one of the busiest highways in the state, I can only imagine that the ad went through several people before it was posted. I refuse to believe that out of all the people who oversaw that sign, no one noticed that it was blatantly sexual.

But then I saw these other signs and realized that maybe sign makers and store name creators are just idiots.

Here are the best of the worst signs, logos and slogans ever created!

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As a single dude, I sometimes find my mind sizing myself up to other guys. Could I get the girl over him, could I win in a fight… You know the drill. The other day while watching a Lakers game, I was comparing myself to a dude who has known mental disabilities, rage problems, and who’s assumed to be an overall dumb ass by most of the world. He’s basically a six year in a 35-year-old’s body, yet I still consider him the better man out of the two of us. And if I were comparing you, I’d probably consider him the better man out of the two of you, too.

I’m talking about Ron Artest.

Probably one of the most underrated basketball players of all time Artest is killer at what he does, but more importantly he’s killer at being a complete fucking idiot and getting away with it.

If you’re having doubts that #15 isn’t better than you, here are the 8 solid reasons he is:

He applied for a part-time job at Circuit City
When my brother-in-law lost his prestigious job at a law firm after the economy crash in 2010, it was thirteen months before  he found another job. Do you know how much debt you can rack up in 13 months when you’re used to living the high life? I’d ask him every week why he didnt’ just take a temporary job somewhere shitty until he was back on his feet, but buddy’s pride wouldn’t let him do it. But Ron Artest, one of the most famous basketball players on the most famous basketball team of all times, didn’t have a problem wanting to stock shelves when the going got tough (read: He wanted the employee discount)? That’s a real man right there.

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