For some, St. Patrick’s Day represents celebrating Irish culture and their traditions, but for most it’s a day to get drunk off green beer and try to nail anyone wearing a ‘kiss me, I’m Irish’ button. But there’s an art to St. Patrick’s Day– The line between finding a girl drunk enough to sleep with you and finding a girl too drunk that you’re going to feel bad for sleeping with is a very thin one. Not to mention your babe radar won’t exactly be in mint condition, considering you’ll probably have your beer goggles on.

If you’re planning on trolling for a bed buddy tomorrow night, we have a few tips on how to find someone drunk enough to sleep with you, but not someone who’s too drunk to sleep with you.

Spot the accessories

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So you’re jealous of the action that celebrities rake in. Get over it. We’re all jealous of it. But it’s not actually the guy who’s getting the action– It’s the career. With the exception of Brad Pitt and George Cloony, women are rarely attracted to the dude, they’re attracted to what they do. Some careers simply come with more allure. Your steady job at the bank might keep your bank account in the green, but it sure isn’t going to keep your dick in the pink.

In order for you sad bastards to feel better about yourself (that’s code for ‘this sad bastard to feel better about himself’), here are 7 guys getting more action than you that definitely wouldn’t be if it wasn’t for their jobs.

7. Iggy Pop
In his prime, it made sense that Iggy Pop would have gotten a little action. He was a fit enough guy, kept his appearance somewhat fashionable for the times, and  he was a little model-esq back then. I understood that. What is harder to understand is why he’s getting laid now. He’s a 70-year-old-looking man who has long greasy hair and hardly wears a shirt. If he wasn’t who he is, he’d be getting pepper sprayed more than he’s getting laid.

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Every April, thousands of people from all over the world grab their acoustic guitars, the BoHo chic clothing, ironic “I <3 Jessie And The Rippers” t-shirts, and all the Molly the can find to head to the most magical hipster hideaway in the world: Coachella.

If you’re not familiar with Coachella, then you’re obviously not a pretentious douche bag, so on that I say congratulations. If you are familiar with Coachella, then you know that it’s a music festival held one weekend every year in California’s Indio dessert. For three glorious days, it plays home to the people mistaking an outdoor concert as an Indie fashion show, drugged out celebrities who haven’t noticed that there are cameras pointed at them, and several semi-talentedbands who supply the background noise for the 200,000 people who are really just there to get laid.

But be warned, my friends: If you’re going to go to the 2012 version of Woodstock, you’re going to get an STD. Here’s why:

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The other day I was driving down the highway when I saw a sign for 7/11 that read “Let us out our hotdog in your bun.” Now, if you’re going to advertise on the side of one of the busiest highways in the state, I can only imagine that the ad went through several people before it was posted. I refuse to believe that out of all the people who oversaw that sign, no one noticed that it was blatantly sexual.

But then I saw these other signs and realized that maybe sign makers and store name creators are just idiots.

Here are the best of the worst signs, logos and slogans ever created!

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It’s easy to be jealous of current-day Jonah Hill. He’s fit, he’s famous, he’s nominated for an Academy Award, and he’s got a smoking hot girlfriend. I don’t fit 3 of those 4 categories.

But back when Jonah was still fat Jonah, he obviously wasn’t fit, he wasn’t as famous, he didn’t have an Oscar nom, and his girlfriend was just so-so. Now those criteria I could fit. But regardless of our former similarities, I still think fay Jonah could get more girls than me.

Come with me on this exploration of why a fat asshole could pick up more than me, won’t you?

HE WAS IN A MOVIE
Let’s travel back to when Jonah Hill was in Accepted. That movie was shit. Actually, that movie was beyond shit. It was painful. But regardless of how bad it was, it was still a movie. Chicks would do anything to say, “Oh you saw that movie? Yah, my boyfriend’s in it.” The difference between a background extra and a leading role is almost non-existent in the eyes of an attention seeking broad.

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