Sometimes I come across things that don’t just make me dislike one person in particular. Things like people tidying their dogs or letting their 5-year-olds wear provocative Nicki Minaj costumes. I don’t get mad at the dog owners or the parents of the kid– I just start hating everyone. Literally, everyone. Why? Because it’s not just the dude dying the dog that’s a shitty person– It’s the guy who made that dye and the person who gave him the idea and the lady that said the dog was cute like that and the jackass who took a picture of it on his Blackberry and put it online.

Shitty people don’t make me hate other shitty people, they make me hate everyone.

This week has been one of those weeks where I’ve seen a bunch of shit that makes me hate everyone. For example, this morning on the subway I saw EIGHT guys shove their way in front of a blonde broad to make their way into the  train. What happened to ladies first? I may not be the biggest gentleman in the world, but I know that if there’s a lady, especially if she’s a hot lady, you should let her on the fucking subway before you! People are assholes.

In spirit of there being an abundance of things that have set me into a rage, I thought I’d share three things I saw this week that made me hate everyone.

Including you.

1. Kids don’t know that the Titanic was real. Read more →

So you’re jealous of the action that celebrities rake in. Get over it. We’re all jealous of it. But it’s not actually the guy who’s getting the action– It’s the career. With the exception of Brad Pitt and George Cloony, women are rarely attracted to the dude, they’re attracted to what they do. Some careers simply come with more allure. Your steady job at the bank might keep your bank account in the green, but it sure isn’t going to keep your dick in the pink.

In order for you sad bastards to feel better about yourself (that’s code for ‘this sad bastard to feel better about himself’), here are 7 guys getting more action than you that definitely wouldn’t be if it wasn’t for their jobs.

7. Iggy Pop
In his prime, it made sense that Iggy Pop would have gotten a little action. He was a fit enough guy, kept his appearance somewhat fashionable for the times, and  he was a little model-esq back then. I understood that. What is harder to understand is why he’s getting laid now. He’s a 70-year-old-looking man who has long greasy hair and hardly wears a shirt. If he wasn’t who he is, he’d be getting pepper sprayed more than he’s getting laid.

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The other day I was driving down the highway when I saw a sign for 7/11 that read “Let us out our hotdog in your bun.” Now, if you’re going to advertise on the side of one of the busiest highways in the state, I can only imagine that the ad went through several people before it was posted. I refuse to believe that out of all the people who oversaw that sign, no one noticed that it was blatantly sexual.

But then I saw these other signs and realized that maybe sign makers and store name creators are just idiots.

Here are the best of the worst signs, logos and slogans ever created!

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For whatever reason, Lorne Michaels and his crew at Saturday Night Live thought it was a good idea to ask the biggest Disney train wreck of all time actress Lindsay Lohan to host the show this weekend. Now I’m all for giving people second chances (… I mean, if we didn’t, who would play Iron Man? Sure as hell not someone as bad ass as Robert Downey Jr.), but there comes a time where we have to jump off of a sinking ship before we all go down with it, and for some reason the world has yet to realize this is the case with Lohan. The millions of people waiting for her to turn her life around are going to be awfully disappointed when she joins the 27 club.

Regardless of the fact that we should have ditched the ginger years ago, she’s going to be on SNL this weekend, and there are a few things I want to see.

Here are the 5 things I want to happen on Lindsay’s SNL this weekend:

1. I want a mug shot photo shoot
This broad has had more mug shots than Nick Nolte, and she always manages to look like a babe in all of them. When you get pulled over for being strung out on every drug imaginable, how in the fuck did you manage to still look bangable in your mug shot?! This girl has secrets. Mug shot secrets. Mug shot photo shoot secrets. Does Annie Leibovitz take the pictures? Is Kim Kardashian’s make-up artist on set? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? I want to know how this broad does it, and I feel like SNL is a good time to get those secrets revealed.

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The other day I was sitting around watching a Louis CK special with a few buds and some girls they were dating, and I couldn’t believe how hard they were all swooning over this dude. He’s old, he’s pretty fat, he’s bald, he has a red goatee, he’s a divorce, he’s not good looking, and girls are still in love with him.

As I sat here watching this special with this dude calling girls cunts and guys ass holes and talking about sucking a bag of dicks, I couldn’t help but think… Why the hell are all these girls ready to jump through the TV screen to jump this guy’s probably soft bone when they won’t even give me a second look?

Because it was driving me insane why all these girls wanted to sleep with him when there’s clearly better choices out there, I thought I’d compile the 5 reasons he gets more action than me, and you. And, unfortunately, those 5 reasons are the 5 reasons that he will probably always get more action than me. And than you.

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