I distinctly remember when I was younger saying that  Santa Claus was my hero. Not because he could make it around the world in one night. Not because he had the sickest mode of transportation of all time. Not even because he constantly had children sit on his lap and was not once accused of being a pedophile (which, let’s be serious here, is totally fucking suspicious).

Santa Claus was my hero because he had created the greatest system of getting laid ever.

When I was younger, I noticed that my mother’s shitty mood would be gone the second my dad walked in the door from work with a gift. Flowers, jewelry, whatever. It honestly didn’t matter what it was as long as he had a gift with him. That’s what  Santa did times a million. He always had free shit to give away! He has literally a heard of little people working round the clock to make him gifts that he can give away. That’s a bad ass way to make sure that you always have females on their good side, and in turn a bad ass way to make sure that you always have females in the mood to bone.

Now that I’m a bit older, I’ve moved on to a new hero: Turtle from Entourage.

What? Turtle? The guy that literally does nothing with his life besides mooch off his friend? Yeah man, that guy. He should be your hero, too. Here’s why.

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Every April, thousands of people from all over the world grab their acoustic guitars, the BoHo chic clothing, ironic “I <3 Jessie And The Rippers” t-shirts, and all the Molly the can find to head to the most magical hipster hideaway in the world: Coachella.

If you’re not familiar with Coachella, then you’re obviously not a pretentious douche bag, so on that I say congratulations. If you are familiar with Coachella, then you know that it’s a music festival held one weekend every year in California’s Indio dessert. For three glorious days, it plays home to the people mistaking an outdoor concert as an Indie fashion show, drugged out celebrities who haven’t noticed that there are cameras pointed at them, and several semi-talentedbands who supply the background noise for the 200,000 people who are really just there to get laid.

But be warned, my friends: If you’re going to go to the 2012 version of Woodstock, you’re going to get an STD. Here’s why:

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Nicki Minaj has taken over the world as the black Lady Gaga. She’s an alright singer/rapper/whatever she is, she’s kind of attractive, and she wears shit that looks like a child designed it. Over the past few weeks I’ve heard more and more buddies talking about how hot Minaj is, and I can’t help but wonder… What? What the fuck? I mean… What? When did someone who wears florescent green wigs become the standard for ‘hot’?

If you’re one of the many men who are wrongfully under the impression that Nicki Minaj is good looking, here are my 5 reasons she’s not:

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As a single dude, I sometimes find my mind sizing myself up to other guys. Could I get the girl over him, could I win in a fight… You know the drill. The other day while watching a Lakers game, I was comparing myself to a dude who has known mental disabilities, rage problems, and who’s assumed to be an overall dumb ass by most of the world. He’s basically a six year in a 35-year-old’s body, yet I still consider him the better man out of the two of us. And if I were comparing you, I’d probably consider him the better man out of the two of you, too.

I’m talking about Ron Artest.

Probably one of the most underrated basketball players of all time Artest is killer at what he does, but more importantly he’s killer at being a complete fucking idiot and getting away with it.

If you’re having doubts that #15 isn’t better than you, here are the 8 solid reasons he is:

He applied for a part-time job at Circuit City
When my brother-in-law lost his prestigious job at a law firm after the economy crash in 2010, it was thirteen months before  he found another job. Do you know how much debt you can rack up in 13 months when you’re used to living the high life? I’d ask him every week why he didnt’ just take a temporary job somewhere shitty until he was back on his feet, but buddy’s pride wouldn’t let him do it. But Ron Artest, one of the most famous basketball players on the most famous basketball team of all times, didn’t have a problem wanting to stock shelves when the going got tough (read: He wanted the employee discount)? That’s a real man right there.

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It’s easy to be jealous of current-day Jonah Hill. He’s fit, he’s famous, he’s nominated for an Academy Award, and he’s got a smoking hot girlfriend. I don’t fit 3 of those 4 categories.

But back when Jonah was still fat Jonah, he obviously wasn’t fit, he wasn’t as famous, he didn’t have an Oscar nom, and his girlfriend was just so-so. Now those criteria I could fit. But regardless of our former similarities, I still think fay Jonah could get more girls than me.

Come with me on this exploration of why a fat asshole could pick up more than me, won’t you?

HE WAS IN A MOVIE
Let’s travel back to when Jonah Hill was in Accepted. That movie was shit. Actually, that movie was beyond shit. It was painful. But regardless of how bad it was, it was still a movie. Chicks would do anything to say, “Oh you saw that movie? Yah, my boyfriend’s in it.” The difference between a background extra and a leading role is almost non-existent in the eyes of an attention seeking broad.

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