I distinctly remember when I was younger saying that Santa Claus was my hero. Not because he could make it around the world in one night. Not because he had the sickest mode of transportation of all time. Not even because he constantly had children sit on his lap and was not once accused of being a pedophile (which, let’s be serious here, is totally fucking suspicious).
Santa Claus was my hero because he had created the greatest system of getting laid ever.
When I was younger, I noticed that my mother’s shitty mood would be gone the second my dad walked in the door from work with a gift. Flowers, jewelry, whatever. It honestly didn’t matter what it was as long as he had a gift with him. That’s what Santa did times a million. He always had free shit to give away! He has literally a heard of little people working round the clock to make him gifts that he can give away. That’s a bad ass way to make sure that you always have females on their good side, and in turn a bad ass way to make sure that you always have females in the mood to bone.
Now that I’m a bit older, I’ve moved on to a new hero: Turtle from Entourage.
What? Turtle? The guy that literally does nothing with his life besides mooch off his friend? Yeah man, that guy. He should be your hero, too. Here’s why.