Last month I went on a date with a broad I met online. My first mistake was probably going on a date with a broad I met online, but hindsight is 20/20, and obviously I didn’t know then what I know now. My second mistake was sticking around after she told me she believed in spirit animals, and that she believed her’s was Beyonce. At first I thought she was kidding, but after she went on for half an hour about how she thought mine was a sheep (uh… thanks?), I realized she was being serious.

Now, I’ve heard of women thinking they’re similar to celebrities, but to believe that a celebrity is spiritually guiding you through life clearly means you’re fucking insane.

If you’re dating a chick who thinks her spiritual animal is someone on the Billboard Hot 40, you should probably start running.

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Not Looking: You're Doing It Wrong, Bro.

The NBA is back, and we’re all excited as fuck. Seriously. I am just as excited about seeing Metta World Peace back on the hard wood getting ready to punch out some new season ticket holders as I am while I’m putting my Mc in someone’s Donald’s. I was more excited for the lock out to end than I was when I lost my virginity. I’m telling you… This is a big deal.

The best part about NBA season is that it’s an easy date. We all know women want to be taken out to be wine and dinned, and it never matters where. You can take her to the first place you met your ex-fiance and chances are she’s going to be excited that you took her out of the house. That’s why the on-season of the NBA is perfect. Taking her to a game lets her ooh and aah at the glitz and glam of the game, and you get to see WP lose his shit and enjoy something that she probably would have told you to change the channel on at home.

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The other day I was sitting around watching a Louis CK special with a few buds and some girls they were dating, and I couldn’t believe how hard they were all swooning over this dude. He’s old, he’s pretty fat, he’s bald, he has a red goatee, he’s a divorce, he’s not good looking, and girls are still in love with him.

As I sat here watching this special with this dude calling girls cunts and guys ass holes and talking about sucking a bag of dicks, I couldn’t help but think… Why the hell are all these girls ready to jump through the TV screen to jump this guy’s probably soft bone when they won’t even give me a second look?

Because it was driving me insane why all these girls wanted to sleep with him when there’s clearly better choices out there, I thought I’d compile the 5 reasons he gets more action than me, and you. And, unfortunately, those 5 reasons are the 5 reasons that he will probably always get more action than me. And than you.

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According to Variety Magazine, the Oscar contending movies are already ‘obvious’ choices, even though some of them haven’t even been released yet. By this logic, I can only assume that Variety Magazine watched the trailers and made an assumption on what the movie is like by the trailer.

So naturally, I’ve done the same thing! I’m putting aside my usual griping about single ladies and the dating world to become Lloyd Bloom: Film Critic.

Here are my reviews of 2011-2012 Oscar contending movies, based on the trailers that I’ve watched.

The Descendants
Okay, so in this George Clooney’s wife dies, which is kind of unrealistic to begin with, since we all know George Clooney will never get married. Er.. Married again? I think he was married once, but that’s before he was hot. Well, hot to girls. Whatever, so Clooney’s wife dies and he’s stuck with his two daughters who, by the looks of it he’s struggling to re-connect with. Yadda, yadda, yadda, he’s a great father at the end and the woman you took to see it is crying.

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Scrolling through Facebook for anyone who is marked as single ladies.

“Oh, why hello Cassidy Norris. You’re looking awfully big-boobed in this picture of you at Disney World.” LIKE.

Wait for two weeks to pass by, giving you plenty of time to completely forget about Cassidy Norris.

Cassidy Norris adds new pictures from her trip to Cancun.

“Holy shit, she has REALLY big boobs! How can I say that without sounding creepy?”

Clicks on add comment.
LOOKS LIKE A FUN TRIP.

Goes to the kitchen to get a bag of  Cheesies. Comes back to see a comment from Cassidy Norris.
LLOYD IT WAS SO MUCH FUN! HOW ARE YOU? IT’S BEEN FOREVER!!! XOXOX

Clicks on add comment.
I’VE BEEN GOOD. BUSY WITH WORK AND STUFF. WHAT R U UP TO?

Semi-reads back a message she posts with her number.

Wait until Friday when you’re drunk, test something incoherent.

Gets message from her the next day saying you were wasted and hilarious (Hilarious? Where did she get that from?).

Texts her back asking about her day.

Gets message about her day, ignores most of what she said besides swimming.

Jokingly asks to send a pic.

GETS A PIC!!!

Keeps this going for three weeks until you finally convince her to send nudes.

Realize she has weird nipples, stops responding.

Digital dating!