Why You’re Going To Catch An STD Next Month At Coachella

Every April, thousands of people from all over the world grab their acoustic guitars, the BoHo chic clothing, ironic “I <3 Jessie And The Rippers” t-shirts, and all the Molly the can find to head to the most magical hipster hideaway in the world: Coachella.

If you’re not familiar with Coachella, then you’re obviously not a pretentious douche bag, so on that I say congratulations. If you are familiar with Coachella, then you know that it’s a music festival held one weekend every year in California’s Indio dessert. For three glorious days, it plays home to the people mistaking an outdoor concert as an Indie fashion show, drugged out celebrities who haven’t noticed that there are cameras pointed at them, and several semi-talentedbands who supply the background noise for the 200,000 people who are really just there to get laid.

But be warned, my friends: If you’re going to go to the 2012 version of Woodstock, you’re going to get an STD. Here’s why:

There’s a good chance the girl you’re about to sleep with slept with this guy
I have nothing against fat dudes. Nor do I have anything against dudes who wear crowns. Nor do I have anything against dudes who look like they’d probably sleep with anything that wants to sleep with them. I do, however, have something against sleeping with a chick that slept with said dudes. Allow me to explain… Guys who will sleep with anyone rarely stop to think, “Hey this girl has some oozing red bumps on her vagina. I probably shouldn’t stick my dick in that.” Hell no! They suck it up and go for it. Which gets them the lovely present of the herp. Which gets passed to the broad he just banged in his tent in between the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Jack White performances. Which is going to get passed to you once you sleep with this girl tomorrow night beside the main stage. Voila! STD!

Ke$ha goes to Coachella
I assume that anyone within a 10 mile radius of Ke$ha automatically gets Hep C.

Coachella kids are all about ~free love~
Sometimes I wish I lived in the 60′s. Not because I’d rather have a wife who stayed home and made me pies all day than one that goes to work as a powerhouse lawyer (*cough*Iwouldtotallyratherhavethatfirstoption*cough*), but because Woodstock would have been amazing. Not only were there actually bands that played, but everyone screwed everyone else right in plain view! It was wicked. Coachella kids have started mistaking this new yearly festival for the once-in-a-lifetime-Woodstock in the sense that they’re embodying the free love movement. Everyone does it with everyone else, which would be a lot cooler if American’s didn’t have an average of 92% more STDs than Americans did in the 60′s.

There are people like this girl at Coachella
I assume that she would both blow you and somehow manage to give you crabs, even if your dick never meets her vajay.

Condoms melt, fellas
If you’re like 99% of men int he world, you’re probably too busy unwrapping the condom to read what’s written on the warning label. If you had read it, you’d know that you can’t store them in heat or they’ll be ineffective and most likely break.  Coachella is in California. In April. In a desert. It’s hot as fuck there. Chances of your condom not breaking are about as good as your chances of not seeing every person there carrying a Polaroid camera and thinking it’s ~ToTaLlY OrIgInAl~.

So there you have it! You’re going to go to Coachella, you’re going to have fun, and you’re going to get an STD. Have fun!