Three Things I Saw This Week That Make Me Hate Everyone

idiot

Sometimes I come across things that don’t just make me dislike one person in particular. Things like people tidying their dogs or letting their 5-year-olds wear provocative Nicki Minaj costumes. I don’t get mad at the dog owners or the parents of the kid– I just start hating everyone. Literally, everyone. Why? Because it’s not just the dude dying the dog that’s a shitty person– It’s the guy who made that dye and the person who gave him the idea and the lady that said the dog was cute like that and the jackass who took a picture of it on his Blackberry and put it online.

Shitty people don’t make me hate other shitty people, they make me hate everyone.

This week has been one of those weeks where I’ve seen a bunch of shit that makes me hate everyone. For example, this morning on the subway I saw EIGHT guys shove their way in front of a blonde broad to make their way into the  train. What happened to ladies first? I may not be the biggest gentleman in the world, but I know that if there’s a lady, especially if she’s a hot lady, you should let her on the fucking subway before you! People are assholes.

In spirit of there being an abundance of things that have set me into a rage, I thought I’d share three things I saw this week that made me hate everyone.

Including you.

  1. Kids don’t know that the Titanic was real. Read more →
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Why Turtle Should Be Your Hero

Turtle Entourage

I distinctly remember when I was younger saying that  Santa Claus was my hero. Not because he could make it around the world in one night. Not because he had the sickest mode of transportation of all time. Not even because he constantly had children sit on his lap and was not once accused of being a pedophile (which, let’s be serious here, is totally fucking suspicious).

Santa Claus was my hero because he had created the greatest system of getting laid ever.

When I was younger, I noticed that my mother’s shitty mood would be gone the second my dad walked in the door from work with a gift. Flowers, jewelry, whatever. It honestly didn’t matter what it was as long as he had a gift with him. That’s what  Santa did times a million. He always had free shit to give away! He has literally a heard of little people working round the clock to make him gifts that he can give away. That’s a bad ass way to make sure that you always have females on their good side, and in turn a bad ass way to make sure that you always have females in the mood to bone.

Now that I’m a bit older, I’ve moved on to a new hero: Turtle from Entourage.

What? Turtle? The guy that literally does nothing with his life besides mooch off his friend? Yeah man, that guy. He should be your hero, too. Here’s why.

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St. Patrick’s Day: A Guide To Finding A Girl Who’s Drunk Enough To Sleep With You

St. Patrick's Day Slut

For some, St. Patrick’s Day represents celebrating Irish culture and their traditions, but for most it’s a day to get drunk off green beer and try to nail anyone wearing a ‘kiss me, I’m Irish’ button. But there’s an art to St. Patrick’s Day– The line between finding a girl drunk enough to sleep with you and finding a girl too drunk that you’re going to feel bad for sleeping with is a very thin one. Not to mention your babe radar won’t exactly be in mint condition, considering you’ll probably have your beer goggles on.

If you’re planning on trolling for a bed buddy tomorrow night, we have a few tips on how to find someone drunk enough to sleep with you, but not someone who’s too drunk to sleep with you.

Spot the accessories

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7 Guys Who Would Never Get Laid If It Wasn’t For Their Jobs

So you’re jealous of the action that celebrities rake in. Get over it. We’re all jealous of it. But it’s not actually the guy who’s getting the action– It’s the career. With the exception of Brad Pitt and George Cloony, women are rarely attracted to the dude, they’re attracted to what they do. Some careers simply come with more allure. Your steady job at the bank might keep your bank account in the green, but it sure isn’t going to keep your dick in the pink.

In order for you sad bastards to feel better about yourself (that’s code for ‘this sad bastard to feel better about himself’), here are 7 guys getting more action than you that definitely wouldn’t be if it wasn’t for their jobs.

Ugly Celebrities

7. Iggy Pop
In his prime, it made sense that Iggy Pop would have gotten a little action. He was a fit enough guy, kept his appearance somewhat fashionable for the times, and  he was a little model-esq back then. I understood that. What is harder to understand is why he’s getting laid now. He’s a 70-year-old-looking man who has long greasy hair and hardly wears a shirt. If he wasn’t who he is, he’d be getting pepper sprayed more than he’s getting laid.

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Why You’re Going To Catch An STD Next Month At Coachella

Coachella 2012

Every April, thousands of people from all over the world grab their acoustic guitars, the BoHo chic clothing, ironic “I <3 Jessie And The Rippers” t-shirts, and all the Molly the can find to head to the most magical hipster hideaway in the world: Coachella.

If you’re not familiar with Coachella, then you’re obviously not a pretentious douche bag, so on that I say congratulations. If you are familiar with Coachella, then you know that it’s a music festival held one weekend every year in California’s Indio dessert. For three glorious days, it plays home to the people mistaking an outdoor concert as an Indie fashion show, drugged out celebrities who haven’t noticed that there are cameras pointed at them, and several semi-talentedbands who supply the background noise for the 200,000 people who are really just there to get laid.

But be warned, my friends: If you’re going to go to the 2012 version of Woodstock, you’re going to get an STD. Here’s why:

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